For many, the question of working is really less of a question and more of a mandate. The high costs of housing, gas, food, and basic essentials make employment less of a luxury and more of an inescapable reality. But even for those couples who have the financial wherewithal to have one parent stay home, working outside the home presents a perplexing challenge.
Many attorneys, particularly women, who have spent years pursuing degrees or building experience as professionals do not want to limit themselves to working as full-time caregivers. These women take pride in their career and business accomplishments. They derive a great deal of satisfaction from the work they perform. Working is their way of making a contribution to the worlds of law, government, community, or politics; it is their way of fulfilling lifelong dreams and aspirations.
Women who have the luxury of not working but who chose to do so anyway often feel conflict over their personal career goals and their commitments to their disabled children. At the same time, they may be on the receiving end of pressure from family members and friends to quit their jobs and make caring for their disabled children their full-time commitment. Plagued by feelings of guilt, some women actually quit their full-time associate or partner positions and opt to become stay-at-home moms. Although this is the solution for some, others may feel bitter and angry about their choice.
Dr. Freeman told me to start accepting early on that a child with a disability is not going to grow out of it despite the very best treatment. The key to successful parenting, she said, is (to the extent possible) to fit that child into your life's schedule, rather than completely rearranging your life around the child. Some of the happiest families she saw in her practice were those that embodied and lived by this principle.
How this plays out for each family is different, but the crux of what Dr. Freeman conveyed is that parents who make decisions to alter their careers, their marriages, and their entire familial structures need to do so with a full understanding that even with such a tremendous sacrifice, their children may never achieve at the level they expect. So before embarking upon such drastic changes, make sure that you are not expecting something in return from your child—other than his or her love. Setting yourself up with a quid pro quo expectation is sure to lead to bitterness and anguish.
Working mothers can meet the many needs of a disabled child and achieve success at work by taking advantage of empowerment circles, as defined in Journey to the Top, a book I authored. Identifying family, friends, community resources, and agencies that can provide assistance with every aspect of a child's care—from babysitting to driving—will lift from a mother's shoulders some of the daily tasks that are her responsibility. There are local and national agencies that can provide support for families caring for children with disabilities, as well as parent support groups and nonprofit organizations that provide assistance for families. You can identify resources in your community by checking on the Internet, at your local library, or with the school district. Other parents of special needs children are often your best resource.
Also, some mothers successfully manage caretaking and work responsibilities by converting their full-time schedules to part-time, negotiating flexible hours with their firms or corporate offices, or pursuing smaller law firm options that may provide more relaxed schedules.
Attorneys can have it all. You can love, nurture, and care for a child with a disability while at the same time maintaining your career. The key is making smart choices, recognizing that you will need support from others, and eliminating any externally imposed negative feelings about your choice.
About the Author
Areva D. Martin is managing partner of Martin & Martin, LLP
, in Los Angeles. She practices civil litigation with an emphasis on labor and employment, special education, and disability law.
