1. Spot your own type
To find the right mentor, assess your career goals, and then look for an appropriate match. If you want to balance personal and work life, pick someone who’s done just that. If you want to be a great trial lawyer, choose a litigation star. “Watch people in action, and say to yourself, ‘I can see myself doing that’ or ‘They’re terrible. I don’t want to be like that,’ ” says a litigator at Chicago’s Wildman, Harrold. That’s what one associate did when she joined Wildman. After several months of trial and error, she found a female litigator who could show her how to address gender stereotypes in front of a jury and a male partner who not only would edit her work but also explain his changes. Landing a mentor who genuinely enjoys teaching is another key, says the associate. “Don’t waste your time trying to seek out someone for whom mentoring isn’t a priority.”
2. Play the field
3. Make your move
Some mentoring relationships develop naturally. If a good match “just happens,” count yourself lucky. More often than not, though, you’ll have to nudge the process along. The best strategy: Give something to get something. Express an interest in a partner’s work. Ask to tag along on a deposition or a deal negotiation on your own time. Offer to help on a nonbillable project. “After a while,” says Annette Friend, former director of associate development and recruitment at New York’s Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft, “you can say, ‘This has been great for me. Would you mind if I came to you for advice from time to time?’ ” Intimidated? Remember that asking someone to be a mentor is flattering. Mentoring can also be a factor in a partner’s compensation.
As in any relationship, unspoken expectations can be deadly. “When a person comes to me, the first thing I ask is ‘What do you want from me, and what do you think I can do for you?’ ” says the former senior vice president and general counsel at Pitney Bowes. Discuss mutual goals, expectations, and ground rules. Determine how often you’ll talk. Once a week? Once a month? Decide whether you’ll meet socially or strictly in the office. That way, if someone doesn’t invite you to her house for dinner, you’ll know she never intended to. Another good idea: Let it be known that criticism is just as important as backslapping. You’ll get more out of the relationship, says Mayes, if you say to the person, “I’m not just looking for the good news. I’m also looking for you to tell me something that I might not see.”
5. Fight fair
Mentors and mentees are human beings; thus, they will experience human conflicts. If you and your mentor aren’t getting along, remember that a breakup can lead to political fallout, especially if the firm has assigned you to a mentor. First, try to resolve any tensions,. Air your issues openly, and invite your mentor to do the same. Try something like, “I’d like to talk about the work you’ve been asking me to do. It’s becoming a little much for me, given my other commitments. Can we talk about cutting back?” Or, “You don’t seem to be happy with the way this is working out. Is there a way to arrange this more effectively?” If you find yourself clashing repeatedly, go ahead and bow out— gracefully. Try, “We don’t seem to be getting along. I’d like to try working with somebody else.”
6. Try, try again
Remember that finding the perfect mentor—like finding the ideal mate—can take multiple attempts. Be patient. Expect missteps. If one person doesn’t work out, try another. If she doesn’t work out, try again. With any luck, you’ll find someone who works.
