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published June 04, 2007
Katie Cummings
<<#1: Get the Worst of the Worst.
Don't bother screening your clientele. They all did something illegal anyway. Just make sure to collect your retainer first and if they don't want to pay, sue them.
#2: Your Clients Know Nothing.
Don't listen to those mindless criminals. Chances are they're guilty anyway. If they're dissatisfied, it's because they lied in the first place. Don't return their repetitious calls. Who calls that much? Crazy people. So have them plead insanity no matter what the case. Don't worry about getting anything in writing; they won't remember what was said.
#3: Always Miss Your Mark.
Forget about the calendar; who needs it, anyway? Don't bother keeping good records either. Data entry is a joke. Leave the file reviews up to your inept secretary. Research and investigation isn't your duty—the police covered it in their reports. Put off all your primary duties to the last minute and never arrive early to court; you'll just sit waiting for your shady clients to show up, anyway.
#4: Don't Get Stressed, Just Drink.
Aspire to be that one attorney who spoils the bunch and ruins your firm's reputation. Who needs a reputation, anyway? You're a lawyer, and you make lots of money. When the rigors of law weigh heavy on your head, have a drink—have a few—and take your client out for a drink before you have to be in court. When your firm approaches you regarding your new habit, tell them where to go and maybe then they'll just leave you alone. You don't need "professional" help.
#5: Who Says You Can't Represent Both Sides of a Divorce?
Conflict of interest or matter isn't really an issue. Some people share similar likes and dislikes—plus you need the money.
#6: Last, But Not Least.
You won't ever get sued for malpractice. You're the attorney here. Your firm has your back, anyway.
This article was written by Katie Cummings for Insurance Consulting Services, LLC, a leading provider of services and information on legal malpractice insurance.
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