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published February 06, 2006
Anne O’Dell
Amid the myriad next-gen, hi-def, and very cool devices, however, there lurk a few products that, while they somehow might seem cool in the initial moments of awe, are either so hideous, impractical, or generally over-the-top that they may actually damage the ego and image of the status-seeking consumer.
Call them the inbreds of technology. Attempting to combine stereos with luggage, bling with computers, or anything with sunglasses, a few select companies have managed to create the artifacts that will forever disgrace the Gadgets Hall of Shame.
Ringing in at more than $300,000, the Tulip E-Go Diamond takes the old iBook clamshells up a notch—just a notch.
Not for those who favor understatement, the garish E-Go Diamond is a laptop inlaid with solid palladium white-gold plates set with thousands of brilliant-cut diamonds. The top-quality stones have a combined total weight of 80 carats. Square-cut rubies are used in the two Tulip logos, and its handled design mimics a ladies' handbag. Called "the first lifestyle notebook," the laptop was created by designer Marcel van Galen and master jeweler Laurent de Beer.
Although the specs are mostly decent, the battery life and lack of subtlety are laughable; and the unit is rather heavy. If you are ridiculously affluent and strong of arm (or Liberace), go ahead and pick one up.
Oakley has become the repeat offender for trying to merge status symbols into a costly device of questionable functionality. Of the two experiments, one undoubtedly turned out better than the other.
With Razrwire, Oakley teamed with Motorola to create a pair of shades that would double as a wireless phone headset. The system is said to function fairly well. The speaker clips onto the side of the glasses and can be moved forward and backward. The ear speaker also has multiple points of articulation, and some say the headset as a whole is noticeably comfortable.
Unfortunately, the other exercise in sunglasses-cum-technology did not fare so well in consumer reviews. Their other "wearable electronics" project was Thump, a combination of audio-file player and sunglasses, which, as a reviewer pointed out on Gizmodo.com, "is no excuse for making glasses this ugly."
Truly, wearing any of the cumbersome Thump designs will instantly transform the wearer into either Star Trek's Geordi LaForge or Robocop—take your pick. As a result, Thump was featured in PC Magazine's "Ten to Avoid—the Worst Products of 2005" and has become an object of frequent ridicule in the techie world.
Then there are the pink items. Unless your name is Barbie or Paris or you are going on eight, save yourself the ridicule and put down the RAZR Magenta, the fuchsia faux-fur iPod cover, and the mauve Ergo laptop.
Although the girls over at ShinyShiny.tv consistently go gaga for anything in the traditionally-for-chicks hue—especially if Hello Kitty is involved—we've found that the color isn't so much feminine as fu-fu, less sweet than it is sophomoric. Leave it for the Britneys, Lindsays, and other vapid pop celebutantes of questionable taste, ladies.
Last, we give you the Rolling Luggage Stereo System, the most ridiculous marriage of urban and yuppie cultures we've ever seen.
On par with hydraulics for baby carriages, the technology behind this master flop includes two 3-inch speakers, a 4-inch subwoofer, and an amp. It can process audio from anything with a standard output jack. Best of all, it has a microphone, in case the irrepressible commuter flight types at gate 43B feel the need for some on-the-spot karaoke action.
In the event that you'd like to make everyone else's airport experience just that much more annoying, this item can be yours for as little as $329.
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