Rikleen also found that a tremendous amount of marriages in law end in divorce, resulting in a surge of worry in lawyers, specifically in women, that their marriages or future relationships may be doomed because of their career choice. "There was definitely a perspective that there is a very high incidence of divorce among lawyers and that that comes from the stress of the 24-7 commitment of the job," said Rikleen.
Being a lawyer herself who has been married to her husband, also a lawyer, for 35 years, Rikleen found this consensus to be a bit shocking. "I was startled by how many people said that either their marriage failed or they know a lot of other people whose marriages failed because of the stresses of work," she said.
This raises the issue that lawyers are not allotted enough time in the day to develop new relationships or nurture current ones. Lawyers and experts alike agree that too many law professionals are trapped in their offices, bogged down with mental commitments, and have to intense of a fixation on their work. Attorneys in their early 30s or younger, who Rikleen spoke with, voiced a real concern about how their jobs would affect their chances of meeting someone to marry.
"The hours tend to cut down on your hanging out time at bars. You tend to meet a different crowd than you would with the 5:00 p.m. crowd. You miss a lot of the nine-to-five type women that you would usually meet," said Joel Sherman, a sole practitioner from Tampa, FL.
Sherman has observed that many people have a lot of misconceptions about lawyers' lives, viewing them as rich and time-abundant people, but this is certainly not the case. Because the legal world does not sleep, attorneys can get calls any day, any time, leaving a generous amount of lawyers mentally and physically exhausted by the time they manage to find any downtime with romantic partners. Lawyers have a tendency to let their work come home with them, mentally—running their minds even when they want to relax with loved ones. "As a lawyer, you're constantly thinking about angles to argue in cases and cases that just won't go away; it's extremely hard to just shut it off and go into to romantic or relax-mode," he said.
The longevity in any lawyers' relationships, in combination with their work demands and hours, seems to heavily rely on their partners' occupational demands. Sherman can speak about this circumstance in his current relationship with his girlfriend who works in retail sales. With a highly predictable schedule and a work load that ends when she leaves her job, Sherman's girlfriend leads a much less intense career life than he does, which has resulted in a clash within their relationship. This shows that a sense of resentment can ensue when one is busy and stressed and the other one is not. "There is definitely a restriction on your schedule in law. My girlfriend will say that attorneys have the worst schedules in the world," he said.
<<
Seventy percent of Americans are extroverts, meaning that many people need communication with others to get energy. Introverts need to be alone to get energy. She even mentioned that studies have shown that law is the only profession in which pessimism affected business positively. "Even in law students, the higher the pessimism, the higher their grades are," she said. All in all, attorneys are typically more skeptical people; the average person scores 50 percent, but lawyers score 90 percent in that trait.
Dr. Karen Sherman, a 25-year relationship therapist and author of Marriage Magic: Find It, Keep It, Make It Last, thinks that attorneys, or anyone really, who may have trouble making relationships work can be taught by skill-based therapy rather than exploring and focusing on negative backgrounds and past memories. A couple can be taught how to communicate and speak the same language despite what personality types and scheduling issues may get in the way.
Another thing that heavily contributes to relationship problems is the lack of attention given to a relationship because of hectic lawyer schedules. "Very often, they can forget about the relationship, and one of the worst problems in a relationship—forget about lawyers; in any relationship—is that people don't prioritize their relationships," she explained.
Although there are a myriad of worst possible scenarios in the scheme of things for lawyers' love lives, there are many techniques that can keep their love boats afloat.
"Use your technology to show you care—BlackBerrys, voice mails, emails. Send a message saying, 'I was thinking about you today.' It just lets the other person know that you care," she said. Lawyers with busy schedules do not have to put in a whole lot of time to keep their love lives healthy but they need to understand some of the "cold hard facts," as Dr. Sherman put it. "They've got to put in some time. The time does not have to be a huge amount; it's got to be quality."
"The demands to keep your private practice running are significant, pushing lawyers to sacrifice something—whether it's your family life, your health, your social life, or your practice itself," Lattas said.
Since Lattas began his own real estate practice, life has become a lot saner. "I have a fabulous fiancée, Angelica, who I actually met at a real estate closing." Now engaged to be married this May, Lattas is living the good life in law because he has taken control of his personal life by making career choices within law that suit him. "I work a lot of hours, but I still make time to be with her [his fiancé] everyday, all the time when I'm not working," he said.
So yes, the rumors are true. Lawyers can, potentially, have some rather dismal love lives, but it does not have to be that way. If young lawyers take the time to prioritize their personal and professional lives based on where they are at today, they can plan for a much brighter future. Finding a well-balanced life, in all aspects, will positively reflect in a lawyer's business and personal relationships, no matter what. Do not forget what matters to you most in this life. And always remember what Dr. Sherman said: "No one on their death bed has ever said, 'I wish I had closed another deal.'"
See Should I Marry a Lawyer? for more information.
