Lawyers too Stressed for Sex

Question:

My boyfriend and I are both young associates. The other night he couldn't, you know, raise the bar. Sometimes I feel distracted, too. What's wrong with us?


Ever hear the one about performance anxiety? What's the difference between worry and panic? Worry is the first time you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you can't do it the first time. Bah-dump-bum.

Whether you're worried or panicked, you're probably not laughing at that joke. Relax. Probably "what's wrong with you" is that you're a normal woman and he's a normal man. Share this column with him—performance anxiety is usually thought of as a male issue. "Virtually every guy at some time or another has an experience where he believes the circumstances are right for an erection but it just doesn't happen," says a urologist at William Beaumont Hospital in suburban Detroit. "This can scare men, but it shouldn't. It's usually a temporary situation."

Still, some men—particularly perfectionists who hold themselves to unrealistically high standards (sound like any lawyers you know?)—brood over what they see as their failure. Intimacy becomes a "Please god! Don't let me choke!" test of manhood itself. Failing under these circumstances (and who wouldn't?) can set up a cycle of future chokings that eventually become automatic. "Fear triggers our nerves into producing a chemical called norepinephrine, which stops an erection immediately," says a Dallas-based urologist.

Norepinephrine, an integral component of the so-called "fight or flight" response, works its insidious, erection-wilting magic by causing smooth muscles to contract, in which case blood can no longer stay trapped in and engorge erectile tissues. Most of us feel a surge of norepinephrine anytime we encounter a sudden threat to our safety -- a loud bang, for example. But smaller doses of the stuff can seep into our systems chronically when we feel ongoing stress. Ongoing stress? Like law school? Or a big case? Or looking for a job? You got it. Norepinephrine heaven.

Lawyers and law students, men and women, you'll be glad to know that thanks to groundbreaking medical advances, even guys paralyzed below the waist need not fear impotence. In the worst scenario you can imagine, the urological armamentarium can most likely rescue you. What's more, you probably won't need vacuum pumps, prostaglandin injections, or penile implants. Try these first:
 

• Get a physical in order to rule out any underlying health issues that may be causing a problem.
• Check your medicine chest. Many prescription drugs, including antidepressants in the Prozac and Zoloft family, can cause sexual performance problems. If you're taking one, talk to your doctor about switching to an alternative medication or changing your dosage.
• Check your liquor cabinet. The Bard's bead on booze still stands: "It provokes the desire," he wrote in Macbeth, "but it takes away the performance." Related vice note: If you're a smoker, stop. Erectile problems are common in smokers.
• Unwind. We don't have on-off switches. Allotting 10 minutes for a quickie before Contracts is a recipe for failure.
• Try not trying. Sex counselors ask couples to concentrate on romance while putting a hold on intercourse. It's like the paradoxical cure for insomnia: Try not to sleep.
• You can always find a sex counselor through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (aasect.org), an organization dedicated to the promotion of sexual health.
• Finally, enlist the service of the pill—if you can find a sympathetic doctor to prescribe it. And a new crop of Viagra-like cousins may provide an even longer opportunity for action. Of course, for the time-challenged, that's probably not much of a selling point.

See the following articles for more information:

• Sex v. Money in Attorney Ethics
• Four Pieces of Advice for Attorneys in Office Romances