Should You Go to Law School?

Would you like to help the less fortunate? Would you like to see liberty and justice for all? Do you want to vindicate the rights of the oppressed?

If so, you should join the Peace Corps. The last thing you should do is attend law school.


People basically hate lawyers, and with good reason. That's why you'll rarely escape from a dinner party without hearing at least one lawyer joke. For example:

QUESTION: You're walking down the beach and you come upon Saddam Hussein and a lawyer buried up to their necks in sand. Who do you kick first?

ANSWER: Saddam Hussein. Business before pleasure.

FIRST CHILD: My dad is a lawyer.

SECOND CHILD: Honest?

FIRST CHILD: NO, he's just like the rest of them.

A terrorist group kidnapped one hundred lawyers. They threatened that unless their demands were met they would release them one at a time.

Recently there was a classified ad in the National Review that said: "Hate Lawyers? Curse out a live one. 900/773-8245. $5/ min. 18 or older."

Literature reveals that people have ALWAYS hated lawyers. Samuel Coleridge wrote, in The Devil's Thoughts:

He saw a Lawyer killing a Viper

On a dunghill hard by his own stable; And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind Of Cain and his brother Abel.

So the public hates lawyers. Of course, what does the public know? Studies show that one-third of the public suffers from some kind of severe mental disorder. So look at the people on each side of you. If they look normal to you, then you're the one.

However, even other species detest lawyers. Carl Sandburg wrote: Why is there always a secret singing when a lawyer cashes in? Why does a hearse horse snicker hauling a lawyer away?

But this animal animosity is not justified. It's true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless buckets of toxic slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the ENTIRE profession by five or six hundred thousand bad apples.

In fact, there are many perfectly legitimate reasons for going to law school. For example, ask yourself the following questions:

1. [So Noted], Cal. Law. Apr. 1992, at 19.
   
   
2. Samuel Coleridge, The Devil's Thoughts, in Complete Poetical Works 320 (1912).
   
   
3. Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
   
   Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
   
4. Carl Sandburg, The Lawyers Know Too Much, in Complete Poems 189 (1950).

Should You Go To Law School?

DO I want to go to medical school but can't stand the sight of blood?

Are my in-laws pestering me to death to do something meaningful {i.e., lucrative) with my life? Have I considered circulating petitions to ban in-laws, but realized that it would only spawn stupid bumper stickers saying, "WHEN INLAWS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE INLAWS"?

Did I major in English and have absolutely nowhere else to turn?

Did I grow up watching Perry Mason reruns? I used to watch Perry Mason, but the ending was always predictable. Mason would be brilliantly cross-examining a witness, and somebody in the courtroom would jump up and blurt out that he or she was actually the guilty party. I could never figure out why the murderers always attended the trial. Why weren't they halfway to Rio de Janeiro?

The long-running Perry Mason series left a generation of Americans believing that most criminal defendants are innocent, that district attorneys are whining incompetents, and that lawyers and private investigators have shoulders as large as sides of beef. It also left them believing that lawyering is an exciting lifestyle, since Mason never sat through endless depositions, answered interrogatories, supervised document productions, or even spent much time at his desk. Fortunately, these misconceptions were corrected by the Cinema verite of L.A. Law.

Anyway, for one reason or another, you might begin to feel that law school is for you. If so, as Mark Twain said, lie down for a while until the feeling goes away. If it doesn't go away, prepare yourself for the consequences.

For instance, your grandparents will immediately scrape off their bumper sticker that says, "ASK ME ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN." You see, they grew up in a time when a person's word was his bond, when a handshake was enough, when disputes were worked out amicably and quickly among people of goodwill. Fortunately, you don't live in such primitive times! Today, you can make a handsome income exploiting other people's personal tragedies and society's declining sense of community. And just in time, too-just as you are graduating from college. Talk about lucky!