Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law and Babysitter

Because I write about lawyers, people often ask me if there is one member of the bar I especially admire. Yes, there is. My favorite lawyer of all time is Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law and in-house counsel to Fox Television’s show The Simpsons.
 
I know it may seem peculiar that I’ve ventured outside of real life and chosen a cartoon character as my favorite lawyer. It’s not that I have anything against lawyers. Anyone who reads this column knows that’s not the case. Rather I made my selection based on the fact that there’s a lot to like about Lionel Hutz.
 
For those unfamiliar with The Simpsons and their attorney, I’ll give you a little background. In conducting the extensive research I typically undertake in preparing this column, I discovered the following interesting facts about my hero.
 
Lionel Hutz, the self-proclaimed “law-talking guy,” is named after Sir Lionel Luckhoo, the senior partner of the Georgetown, Guyana law firm Luckhoo & Luckhoo. Lionel Luckhoo is in the Guinness Book of Records for getting 245 successive murder charge acquittals between 1940 and 1985.
 
As for academic credentials, Hutz is like a lot of us lawyers in that he tends to embellish his resume. In different episodes of the television program, he has named as his law school alma maters Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne and the Louvre.
 
Hutz works at the I Can’t Believe It’s a Law Firm located at the Springfield shopping mall. The firm has two mottoes. The first is “Cases won in thirty minutes or your pizza is free!” The other is “Clogging our Courts Since 1974.” Below are some of the wise words of advice given by Lionel Hutz to those who have dropped by his office.
 

• "What's that, a broken neck? Great!" 
• “Don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in this state—often as a lawyer.” 
• "Mr. Simpson, I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour." 
• "I'll be defending you on the charge of . . . Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!" 
• "She left a video-will so I earn my fee simply by pressing the PLAY button on this VCR. Pretty sweet, eh?" 
• "I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These law books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!" 
• Hutz: "Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?"
  Marge Simpson: "But it's 9:30 in the morning!"
  Hutz: "Yeah but I haven't slept in days." 
• "Don't worry Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. The judge won't know what hit him." 
• “Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.”
• "Well, he (the judge) has kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly,' and replace 'dog' with 'son.'"
• Hutz: "Kids, I have a crazy feeling your mother's not going to prison."
  Lisa Simpson: "You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow!"
  Hutz: "Uh . . . wasn't he the black guy on The Mod Squad?"
  Bart Simpson: “Mr. Hutz, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.”
  Hutz: “Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.”

 
Lionel Hutz is also pretty good in the courtroom and is especially quick on his feet. Here are a few highlights from the court transcript.
 

• "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that [the defendant] is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty." 
• "I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality. 
• "Oh sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for ya." 
• Judge: “Mr. Hutz we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?”
  Hutz: “Well, your honor, we've had plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.”

 
                Now you understand why Lionel Hutz is my favorite lawyer.
 

See the following articles for more information:
 

• How Much Does It Pay?
• Lawyers and Money
• Top 7 Tips for Succeeding as a First Year Associate: How to Succeed as a New Associate in a Law Firm