Where Our Laws Come From

Where do our laws come from? The answer is: from government --pronounced "government." Executive Order No. 3257 signed by Jimmy Carter and extended by Ronald Reagan.)

Under the Constitution, there are three branches of the federal government: the Moe Branch, the Curly Branch, and the Larry-Branch. No, it's unfair to compare the federal government to the Three Stooges. Curly would be offended.


The federal government is more like the story of the Three Little Pigs. There is the House of Straw (Congress), the House of Sticks (the Executive Branch), and the House of Bricks (the Judiciary). Not all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time." Some of them begin with "If I get elected . . . ."

The voters are like the Big Bad Wolf. They get REALLY REALLY mad, and they HUFF, and they PUFF, and they threaten to blow everyone's house down. But they never do, basically because the Three Little Pigs keep dishing up pork barrel as fast as they can and feeding it to the Big Bad Wolf. Here is a description of our government:

The Executive Branch

The Constitution specifies that the President's duties are to:
 

1. Propose legislation for Congress to reject, and veto any legislation that Congress passes.
2. Attend funerals of foreign dignitaries.
3. Attend funerals of domestic dignitaries.
4. Try to avoid attending his own funeral.
5. Invade underdeveloped countries if they get uppity.
6. When the pressures of the job get to the President, does what any average American would do: fly to his ranch or beach house for a four-week vacation.

The Executive Branch also contains countless minions who work in the federal agencies, and who decide weighty matters of state, such as which flavor of glue should be placed on the back of postage stamps. They also consider important regulatory measures, like forcing people to put a pollution-control device on their gasoline lawn mower. This was a real proposal. I previously opposed mandatory drug testing for federal employees, but not anymore.

The Legislative Branch

Congress contains two groups of people: liberals and conservatives. Liberals want to regulate business activity but not sexual conduct, while conservatives want precisely the opposite. In short, each group wants to regulate the other.

Congress is the object of a lot of unfair criticism. Members of Congress are merely the employees of the American people. Unfortunately, it is REALLY difficult to work for 250 million bosses. Working for only one boss is enough to drive most people to homicide. Working for millions of them makes members of Congress want to wrestle the nuclear "football" away from the President and blow up their entire voting district.

Soon after they are elected, members of Congress discover that they only need two things to get reelected: money and votes. Therefore, Congress tends to pay a LOT more attention to those particular bosses who can deliver either money or votes. Preferably within thirty minutes.

In doing this, Congress divides Americans into two groups: (1) People with a lot of money; and (2) People with little or no money. The first group has a lot of money but few votes. So Congress accepts money from that group and then pays special attention to what that group wants. Of course, Congress insists that it is not influenced AT ALL by what that group wants. According to this view, Congress is one of the few places where people accept large sums of money from total strangers and are not expected to do anything in return. The second group has many votes but little money. So Congress buys their votes with federal programs, public benefits, and pork barrel. Of course- and here the trick--buying these votes doesn't cost Congress one cent. Congress buys the votes with the voters' own money. Pretty slick, huh? Yep. About as slick as a perpetual motion machine. It looks like it's working just fine, but unfortunately it violates the laws of math and physics.

The voters want two things:
 

1. Lots of public programs and benefits; and
2. Low taxes.

So Congress gives them exactly those things. Of course, this creates a federal deficit of more than $300 billion a year. Congress just puts the tab on a credit card the size of New Jersey. Someone else will pay for it, they say. Someone still too young to vote.

Then, however, the voters get hopping mad because the budget deficit is getting as massive as some of the larger planets in our solar system. "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT," they scream, "or we'll vote you out of office. But don't raise our taxes or cut our benefits or we'll vote you out of office. Raise someone else's taxes. Cut someone else's benefits. Are you peopling cretins, or what?" Then, when the budget deficit worsens, the voters want to throw all the bums out. Well, not ALL the bums. They want to throw out EVERYONE ELSE'S incumbent, but keep their OWN incumbent ("Pork Barrel Bob") in Congress. After all, he delivers for their district.

So there's the stalemate. The problem is not Congress; it's us. We believe that government is so powerful it can do anything- even violate the laws of mathematics. Meanwhile, the best that Congress can come up with is the Gramm-Rudman deficit-reduction law, a statute that says, "Stop me before I kill again."

So Congress spends its time in more productive pursuits-like going on fact-finding tours to beautiful Caribbean islands. By sheer coincidence, most of these facts are scattered along the beach or on golf courses. But that's not Congress's fault.

The Judiciary

According to the Constitution, the duties of Supreme Court justices are to:
 

1. Strike down laws they don't like.
2. Announce that they really like the laws they're striking down-honestly and truly-but their hands are tied by some secret principle of constitutional law that nobody has ever thought of before.
3. Remind the public in solemn tones that, since they were never elected and can't ever be voted out of office, they can NEVER EVER substitute their own policy choices for those of the people's duly elected representatives. Otherwise our country would be governed by themselves-a small clot of unelected lawyers.
4. Go back into their chambers and fall on the floor in hysterical fits of laughter.

The Court is also pretty tricky with math. In its dealings with Congress over the years, the Court has proved many times that 9 > 535. Often the mystical qualities of the Court's decisions have demonstrated the supremacy of the transcendental numbers over the irrational numbers.

State and Local Governments

Under the Constitution, state and local governments are supposed do most of the governing, under the theory that they are closer to the people and more responsive to their wishes. And since nowadays most people's wishes are to receive more services and pay lower taxes, state and local governments currently spend most of their time doing what patriotic citizens everywhere do-- asking Congress for more money. Congress will, in turn, finance these requests through increased deficit spending. Americans believe that we really can, if we try hard enough, borrow enough money to get ourselves completely out of debt.