An Associate’s Guide to Social Functions with the Firm

Social Functions

If you don't feel entirely comfortable in employer-related social situations, you're far from alone. Dr. Joy Browne, an old radio psychologist, reports that 83% of people think of themselves as shy. Lawyers, as a group, are not comfortable with cocktail parties. It's a necessary evil. If you're new, you're intimidated. Everybody is. Mitzi Zeller, who runs business etiquette seminars around the country, says that the most common question she gets from summer clerks and new lawyers is: What do I talk about?


I'll tell you how to feel more comfortable, and what to say when you do talk to people. Here are a few ideas for you:

It's not the Bataan Death March. It's a party.

Socializing is really a lot of fun if you approach it as a learning experience. Will Rogers used to say that a stranger is just a friend he hadn't met yet. For all you know, somebody you meet at an employer event could turn into a lifelong friend. And no matter how much you dread it, remember that you've got to achieve a level of comfort with professional social situations at some point. You've got to start sooner or later. So you might as well start now.

Don't walk in alone.

One idea that you buddy up with someone, and walk in together with another summer clerk or associate so that you don't feel so intimidated. (However, once you're at the event, don't cling to your buddy. The reason you're there is to meet, and talk with, other people. So split up as soon as you arrive!)

Talk about what's in the news.

Mitzi Zeller recommends that you talk about what's in the news. "I give people a list," she says. "Listen to the news, read the newspaper, scan Time and Newsweek and Business Week. If you don't have time to watch the news, listen to National Public Radio's All Things Considered and Morning Edition, at least at the top of the hour and at the half hour for the headlines." What she's saying is, make yourself an interesting conversational partner! The easiest way to talk with people is to mention something that you heard in the news, or an interesting story you heard or read. "Can you believe they found water on Mars? I heard that they think..." One thing you should avoid discussing is what you're working on. Try to find something to talk about other than the fascinating memo you're working on. While an interest in your work is something that every employer looks for, sometimes you've got to turn it off. Lawyers work hard. They like to get away just as much as you do!

Prepare to have clients present at some social functions by "keeping up with what's going on in your clients' industries," says Mitzi Zeller. If they're in biotech, read up on the human genome. If they're car dealers, keep up with gas-electric cars, ethanol-whatever issues face them. This way, when you talk with them, they'll see that you're taking an interest in their business, and that makes you an excellent potential rainmaker (and a charming conversationalist, to boot!).

Don't say anything that will embarrass people.

When you're new, it's not the time to test your skills as a provocateur. There are tons of interesting things to talk about without stretching the bounds of good taste. Tons. Virtually anything in the newspaper is fair game. Don't say anything that will make people question your judgment-and wonder whether you can act decorously around clients.

Out at a bar with partners and summer clerks, one summer clerk is sitting next to a partner. She points to a bowl of peanuts on the bar and casually says, "Did you know they did a study that showed that ninety percent of peanuts on bars have urine on them?" She goes on to explain it's because men go to the john, don't wash their hands, and come back to the bar where they grab at the peanuts. "I thought I was going to choke/' comments the partner.

Only discuss politics if you and the colleagues with whom you are speaking have the same views.

Save political debates for your friends outside of work. As Mitzi Zeller advises, "When it comes to talking politics, know the politics of the firm you're going to. If you disagree, don't discuss politics at all." The fact is, they're not going to convince you, and you're not going to convince them. And you may like a good political throw-down, but they might not-and you can't risk it. So if you see a photo on your boss's office wall of him shaking hands with the President, don't spout off about how you think he is an empty suit.

Risky Career Move

Staunch Republican starting at a very liberal firm: he takes every opportunity to make what he believes are provocative, joking comments about Democratic politicians. Within six months, he's asked to leave the firm.

If you're shy, talk one-on-one.

One Denver attorney suggests that you socialize in your "comfort zone." "You don't have to be the life of the party, dancing in the middle of the floor. You can sit and talk to people one-on-one, if you prefer it."

Take advantage of social events to cultivate powerful people and especially people you want to work for.

The best way to get the work you want is to go to people you want to work for, and ask for it. At a social event, you won't ask for work-but you can get to know the people you want to work for so that they know you and feel comfortable with you. One Atlanta attorney suggests, "Just extend a hand and say, 'I haven't met you, and I wanted to say hello.' Say what you've liked so far about your summer clerkship (or new job) to muckety-mucks, and be honest about it. Nobody likes a phony suck-up, but everybody loves hearing honest compliments. And don't feel funny about it. They never get sick of hearing positive comments; nobody does!"

Ask questions!

As communications guru Dale Carnegie always said, if you get people to talk about themselves, they'll love you. Ask clients, "'How did you get into this business?' 'What do you like about it?' 'Where will it be in five years?' Then shut up and listen!" says Mitzi Zeller. Ask lawyers, "What's your most interesting case?" "What are you working on?" "Where did you grow up?" If you know something interesting they've done, bring it up! Often when you meet a group of people, you'll learn interesting things about other people in the group. You might be talking to one associate who says, "Hey, did you know that Sean climbed Mount Rainier?" or "Did you know that Eleanor once met President Obama?" When you meet Sean or Eleanor, ask them about the incident you already know about. Don't worry about asking them about an incident they've probably discussed a lot of times with other people.

Personal Disclosure

Don Larsen, the New York Yankee pitcher who pitched a perfect game in the 1956 World Series, was once asked, "Don't you ever get tired of people asking you about your perfect game?" He answered: "Why would I use 'personal disclosure' to break the ice?"

Mitzi Zeller recommends that you break the ice with personal disclosure, "something inoffensive about yourself." "I've never been to this event before-have you?" "I never know how to make a choice at a salad bar like this." She suggests that you practice talking to people in all kinds of settings-at the cleaners, the drugstore, all over the place. "Nobody cares if you look foolish there-and you'll polish your conversational skills," she says.

Don't expect everyone you meet to be a sparkling conversationalist in return!

Virtually everybody is interesting if you get them talking about something that fires them up. But some people… well, not everybody's going to be your cup of tea. Sometimes people are preoccupied, or wanting to be somewhere else, or obnoxious. I was at a party a little while ago, and the person I was talking to asked, "So what do you do?" I answered, "I'm a writer," and he went on, "No-I mean, what do you do for a living?" Oh, well then-I'm a prostitute. Duh. See ya. If for whatever reason the conversation isn't catching fire, stay for a minute or two so you don't seem rude, and then excuse yourself with a smile-and don't come back.

Now that you're a "real lawyer," you still can't get tanked at employer social events... even though they can't withdraw your offer!

You can't drink heavily at summer social events because your employer is judging you even at parties. When you start to work after you graduate, it's tempting to think, "Hey! I'm in! Party down!" It's true that you're no longer being sniffed over as offer material, but these are your professional colleagues, and you have to show some decorum. Getting drunk obliterates your good judgment. Before you know it, you're hitting on a colleague (bad news) or exposing client secrets in a crowded bar (really bad news).

CAREER MISTAKE

Two junior associates go to interview students at a law school in New York. The two go to lunch and get hammered. They stumble back to school for the afternoon interviews. The next interviewee they talk to says, "I'm sorry, I didn't get your names." They write their names on Post-It Notes and stick them to their foreheads, shrieking with laughter.

A number of lawyers from a small firm attend a testimonial dinner for a local judge. One of the senior partners sits on the dais with a number of other luminaries. His colleagues sit at a table in the audience. As the evening progresses and the speeches drone on and on, the partner's colleagues notice he is getting increasingly drunk. After an hour or two, the partner looks around, as though uncomfortable, during a particularly long speech. He picks up a smoked glass water pitcher in front of him. It disappears under the table. A minute later, he puts the water pitcher back on the table. It's full. And he's smiling a relieved smile.

Don't Drink from the Finger Bowl and Other Dining Hazards

If you eat as though you learned your manners at a hot dog eating contest, nobody's going to want to socialize with you-and they won't turn you loose in front of clients. Nobody expects you to be able to negotiate a 24-piece place setting of Queen Anne cutlery, or to wield an escargot utensil like a pro (remember Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"?),but you do have to have some modicum of good manners!

What I'll do here is to give you a very brief primer on common dining faux pas. Let's see what you need to know!

The cardinal rule: If you can't identify it, don't eat it or touch it until you've see somebody else try it first.

Once you've been working for a little while, you can be an adventurous diner (as long as there aren't any clients present). But as a summer clerk or brand-new associate, people's opinions of you are still being formed. Stick with what you know! If you see a bowl with lemon floating in it sitting near your salad, it's not salad dressing. Don't drink it. It's a "finger bowl," designed to rinse your fingers before the next course. If you sit down and see a little plate with what looks like a quarter-sized embossed dinner mint on it, don't pick it up and pop it in your mouth. It's formed butter, and it's meant for your bread roll. Look around and see what other people do with something unfamiliar before you try it yourself!

Legal Career Warning

Interview lunch. New York law firm, student from a small town in the Midwest. One partner and two associates take the student to an exquisite Chinese restaurant. The partner orders for the table. One of the dishes he orders is Mu Shu Chicken, a dish which is served with thin pancakes that look something like flour tortillas. When the dishes arrive, the waiter puts the Mu Shu pancakes next to the student. Mistaking them for face towels, she picks one up and dabs her face with it. The lawyers, not wanting to embarrass her, do the same.

Throughout the meal: How to show people you were raised in a house with a table, not a trough.

For every course, wait until everyone is served before you dig in.

If the dishes come out at different times, that's not your signal to strap on the feed bag. Sit tight. It's up to the person (or people) who is still waiting to fire the starter's pistol and give you permission to start. Don't dig in until you get the green light from them.

No "boarding house reaches"-if you want something that's not in front of you, ask that it be passed to you.

A lawyer at one firm talked about being at lunch with a colleague who "reached across my place for the butter. I could have bitten him, his arm was so close to my face. Even worse, he dropped his sleeve in my dish!"

It's not a bib, it's a napkin. It goes on your lap.

Silverware-You work your way from the outside in.

No matter how many forks, knives, and spoons are placed in front of you, the rule is always the same: The cutlery at the outside goes first, and you work your way inward, toward the plate, with every course. If you have any questions about which fork goes with what, discreetly ask the waiter.

LAWCROSSING CAREER ADVICE

Associate at a large firm in Washington, D.C. She is at dinner at a very fancy restaurant with partners and clients. She has eighteen pieces of cutlery in her place setting. She surreptitiously calls over the waiter, and says, "What the heck do I do with this?" as she gestures toward the cutlery. The waiter smiles, and says, "Hillary Clinton asks the same thing."

No "wandering forks."

One lawyer told me about a lunch she'd had with the managing partner of the firm and a few other associates. "We all get our meals, and the next thing you know, the managing partner says, 'Hey, yours looks good,' and stabs a piece of chicken on my plate. I had no idea how to react."

No "train wreck in a tunnel." If there's food in your mouth, your lips should be closed.

As Mitzi Zeller says, "Chewing with your mouth open is OK if you're three years old and you have a stuffed nose. Otherwise, it's not OK." She adds that like much of good manners, "It's just common sense. If you talk with your mouth full, you can choke."

CAREER LIMITING MOVE AND A SMART HUMAN TRICK . . .

Summer clerk at a large firm. He's brilliant, #1 in his law school class. At firm cocktail parties, he chews with his mouth open and spits partially-masticated bits of food at people. The managing partner calls in the recruiting coordinator and says, "We can't hire this guy. He's socially unacceptable." The recruiting coordinator gently breaks the issue to the clerk, who takes it well. He goes out to "practice" dinners with friends, asking them to critique his manners. He cleans up his act, and winds up with an offer.

If you've used a fork or knife, it never goes back on the table-only onto the plate.

Sometimes you'll only be given one knife, and you use it for your salad. You'll need a knife for your main dish. What do you do? Don't put it back on the table, and for gosh sakes don't wipe it off with your napkin. Instead, just ask the waiter for another one.

When you're done, put your silverware side by side on your plate to indicate you're finished. Don't crisscross it on the plate.

EMBARRASSING MOMENT

Junior associate, on a business trip to London. She dines alone at a fine restaurant. Shortly after she begins to eat her entree, she gets up to go to the restroom, leaving her knife and fork side by side on her nearly-full plate. She comes back to find her dinner cleared away. The waiter thought she was finished.

No elbows on the table.

Cell phones and beepers off! (Or set them on vibrate, which is more fun anyway.)

Do you remember the TV ad where the guy's cell phone rings during a grand pause in an opera, and he answers it, and the diva on stage throws a flaming spear through the phone to the wild applause of everyone in the audience? Everybody feels that way about cell phones. Unless you're anticipating an urgent client call, your wife's about to give birth, or the President is going to consult you any minute about pushing the button, turn off your cell phone when you sit down to eat.

If you set your beeper or cell phone on vibrate, "Get up and excuse yourself," advises Mitzi Zeller. "Don't look at the beeper at the table, or, God forbid, talk on the cell phone."

Don't throw your weight around with the help. It'll make you look bad.

CAREER LIMITING MOVE.

Summer associate sits in a restaurant with other summer clerks, attorneys and members of the Recruiting Department. He is extremely rude and demanding to the waiter. The incident is discussed extensively at the Employment Committee meeting when offer decisions are being made.

CAREER LIMITING MOVE.

Summer clerk, dining with other summer clerks and two partners at a fancy restaurant. One of the partners, the managing partner of the firm, is getting flustered trying to attract the waiter's attention. The waiter is standing at a wait station some distance away. The summer clerk stands up, and throws his fork at the waiter to attract his attention.

Discussion taboos.

You've heard the old saw about avoiding sex, politics, and religion. Current affairs is a safe conversation topic, although as Mitzi Zeller points out, "During the national sex scandals involving politicians, current affairs were all about sex and politics. So sometimes you can't avoid it!"

One other topic is off-limits, and it's anything gross. This isn't the time to discuss that surgery special you saw on the Discovery Channel, or the Road Kill Cookbook yon just heard about-or anything disgusting you've ever eaten. When you're eating with your friends, heck, anything's fair game. But these are business meals we're talking about, and you have to be a bit more careful.

CAREER LIMITING MOVE.

Summer clerk at a large New York firm, eating dinner with two other clerks and two associates. "One of the other clerks starts talking about something called 'Wiggle fish' while we're looking at the menus. Someone asks him what it is, and he says, 'It's these little fish, and they're alive when you put them in your mouth. That's why they call them 'wiggle fish.' They don't die until you bite down on them.' I could see from the looks on the faces of the associates that they were grossed out. But the other clerk didn't notice. He goes on, 'That's nothing. I saw this movie 'Faces of Death,' where people are eating live monkey brains. They clamp this monkey's head through a hole in the middle of the table ...' I looked over at the two associates. They're looking at this guy as though they're thinking, 'Have you lost your mind?"'

If you have to use the rest room, just excuse yourself-you don't need to add, "I've got to drain the lizard."

Trust me. If you get up from the table in the middle of a meal and say, "Excuse me," nobody's going to think you suddenly got called to appear on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" You don't have to announce where you're going any more than you have to be specific about what you're going to do in there. And especially if you don't know your fellow diners really well, avoid cute euphemisms. Remember Robert Wagner in Austin Powers, where he plays Dr. Evil's underling, and he's sitting in a casino at a blackjack table. He gets up and says, "Excuse me, I've got to go to the little boys' room." That was supposed to be funny. You don't want that image with your professional colleagues!

Mitzi Zeller points out that it's much more polite if you hit the john before you sit down. If you do have to excuse yourself during the meal, "Leave your napkin on your chair if you're coming back, and on the table if it's at the end of the meal and you won't be returning to the table."

Relax your formal manners in a casual setting, like a firm picnic.

Plastic cutlery doesn't come with four kinds of forks. If you're at a casual do, don't cut the meat off the ribs with a knife and fork while you're balancing a plate on your lap. If everybody's eating ribs and corn on the cob, then use your fingers-but be as tidy as possible! A picnic is not a license to let your face look like a Jackson Pollack painted in barbecue sauce.

Ordering the food. It's a minefield!

Don't order anything you've never eaten before just because it sounds exotic.

A lunch or dinner with new colleagues is not the time to explore brave new culinary worlds. It might turn out to be something you hate-or can't figure out.

EMBARRASSING MOMENT.

Summer clerk at a large Los Angeles firm. The clerk had never tried artichokes before, and ordered one. "It came out on a plate and it was arranged like a beautiful flower. I didn't know how to eat it. I didn't know you're supposed to eat the edible part off the leaf. Instead, I put a leaf in my mouth and chewed and chewed and chewed. I was dying. It was like a huge tumbleweed in my mouth. Finally, in desperation, I spit it into my napkin, dropped the napkin on the floor, and kicked it away from the table!"

While you're still a summer clerk, don't order the most expensive thing on the menu.

As Mitzi Zeller points out, "For an interview or summer clerkship dinner, you use the same rule you'd use on a date when it comes to the price of your entree: don't read from right to left and order something because it's the most expensive thing on the menu!"

There's only one exception to this. If your host says, "Oh, you really should try the Chateaubriand stuffed with foie gras in truffled 24-karat-gold sauce. It's delightful," you've got a free pass. Go ahead and order it!

Don't order any food that can sabotage you.

There are only a few foods that are on the banned list when you're dining with colleagues, and they're pretty obvious. Mitzi Zeller calls these the foods that can "sabotage" you, like "French onion soup (the cheese strings are simply uncuttable), and anything you eat with your hands-corn on the cob, ribs, fried chicken, lobster, crab legs. And don't order a burger. As soon as you put a burger together and take a bite, whoosh! The burger flies out the other side. It's messy and greasy. Order your burger without a bun and tell them you're on the Zone diet. Then eat it with a knife and fork."

You can order chicken on the bone, but when you get it you have to cut the chicken off the bone and eat it with a fork. "You can't pick up the chicken bones and eat the last gobbet of meat from them," says Mitzi Zeller.

LAWCROSSING CAREER MISTAKE

Medium-sized firm, buys a table's worth of tickets for a dinner honoring a retiring judge. Several of the lawyers take along the three summer clerks. The food is Chinese, and it's served from a buffet. One of the summer clerks picks up a plate of Chinese ribs from the buffet and brings it back to the table. She eats the meat off the bone, and then-to the slack-jawed astonishment of her colleagues-she proceeds to eat the bones themselves, with a loud Crrunch! Crrrunch! as she snaps off every bite.

If you follow a special diet, handle it discreetly.

As Mitzi Zeller recommends, "If you follow a diet that is kosher or vegetarian or you only eat plants that don't kill the plant they come from or you have allergies, call over the waiter and tell them quietly what your diet restrictions are. I'm allergic to wheat, so I can't have soy sauce, and I often have to mention that to the waiter. You have to take responsibility for your own food."

If you're ordering from a menu, it's simple enough to have your meal prepared specially. If the meal is catered, Mitzi Zeller suggests that you "Call ahead and ask for the menu. If you can't eat it, ask for 'just a salad' or whatever you can eat. They'll accommodate you."

Ordering drinks and wine.

When it comes to drinks with meals, "The days of the three-martini lunches are over," says Mitzi Zeller. "Getting drunk doesn't impress people. At lunch, don't drink at all. At dinner, if someone else wants to order wine, fine. You can have one glass, no more."

What if a superior asks if you want a drink at dinner, and they haven't ordered yet? As Georgetown's Beth Sherman advises, "Be careful. You can say, 'I haven't decided yet. Why don't you start?' If they order a drink, then you can, too-but remember to stop at one drink."

If they ask you to order the wine and you've never done that before, it can be embarrassing. Beth Sherman suggests that you say, "Thanks, I appreciate the compliment," and then ask the waiter for a wine recommendation, and then you can get a consensus from the table about the wine everybody would like to drink.

Time to chow!

Which is my bread plate? Which is my water glass?

This used to trip me up all the time. I'd sit down with people, we'd all grab the bread plate we thought was ours-and someone would wind up without a plate while somebody on the other side of the table had two.

Here's the rule, per Mitzi Zeller: "Your bread plate is on your left, and your water glass is on your right."

Much ado about bread...

OK. I said you couldn't eat with your hands. But you'd look like a major dork if you used a knife and fork to eat a dinner roll!

Instead, Mitzi Zeller says that "You can eat the bread with your hands. They did it in the Bible, so it's OK for you, too. You take one roll, put it on your plate, take one pat of butter and put it on your plate. Break the roll up into two pieces, then each half into two. Butter the piece you're going to eat. You can bite it and put it back down; you don't have to break the roll into bite-sized pieces."

What if the bread arrives in a loaf, instead of individual rolls? You can't tear the loaf apart with your hands. You're not Piltdown Man. You're civilized. Instead, "Use the napkin that comes with the loaf to hold the loaf down with one hand," says Mitzi Zeller, "and cut off your slice."

Cutting up your meat. Don't mince the whole meal before you take a bite.

Mitzi Zeller tells you that "If you eat the American way, with your fork in your right and the knife in your left (as opposed to the European way, which is the reverse), you don't cut up a whole steak with your fork in your left hand before you transfer the fork to your right hand to eat. Cut off three or four bites, eat those bites, and then cut up some more."

If my dessert comes in a chocolate cup, can I eat the cup?

Of course! That's the best part. Otherwise they might as well serve your chocolate mousse in a baggie. Mitzi Zeller says that you should "Hold down the cup with one utensil and break it with another. If you don't hold it down, it'll fly! Then you stick the bits of cup to your spoon with a bit of the mousse."

At a catered sit-down event, signal that you don't want coffee by turning your cup over.

"Can I have a doggy bag?" What To Do When You're Done Eating.

No doggy bags. Darn!

Especially if you're a summer clerk and you're spending your summer at a large firm, you'll probably go out to lunch several times a week. No matter how often you dine out with colleagues (unless it's a group of friends), you can't take a doggy bag. If you're a new associate and you're taking summer clerks or interviewees to lunch, a doggy bag is also verboten. I'm not suggesting that you clean your plate. At a lot of restaurants, the portions look more like something Fred Flint- stone would eat. But like the saying goes, you can't take it with you. It doesn't look professional.

CAREER LIMITING MOVE.

Summer associate, large Midwest law firm. At lunch, she would finish the food off everyone else's plates at the table, and if she was too full, she'd ask for a doggy bag-not just for her own plate, but everyone else's as well.

"How much do I tip?"

Mitzi Zeller advises that "At upscale restaurants, 18 to 20% is derigeur. At a regular restaurant, 15% is OK."

Disaster strikes! What to do when something goes wrong at a meal.

"Ewww! I took a bite, and it's disgusting,;"

You take a bite and its gross. What do you do? Mitzi Zeller says that "There are two rules. If it's something inedible, like bone, gristle, or a hunk of fat-you discreetly spit it into your napkin, and ask the waiter for a new napkin. If you don't like it, tough noogies." Swallow it quickly and chase it down with some water or a bite of bread to get rid of the taste. You can't pull a Tom Hanks in the movie "Big," where he tries caviar for the first time, hates it, and tries to hoover it off his tongue with a napkin.

"I dropped my fork!"

Easy. If you drop a piece of cutlery, just ask for another one. You never pick it up. And you never ever pick it up, wipe it off, and continue using it. It's a lot quicker, but it's simply not done!

Not as though any of us have ever eaten anything off the floor. Heaven forbid. You're at home, the apple slips out of your hand, you pick it up, wipe it on your shirt, and eat it. Right?

"Oops! I spilled it!"

Mitzi Zeller advises that if you spill something on yourself, you hail the water, ask for club soda, and excuse yourself to go to the restroom and wipe off your clothes.

If you spill something on someone else, apologize profusely, hail the waiter for the club soda, and offer to pay the dry cleaning bill-in fact, insist on it. Don't, however, try to dab the spill off their clothes yourself. The stories are legion about embarrassed summer clerks trying to dab the spilled Coke from a female associate's chest or a male associate's lap. In those cases, the cure is worse than the disease!

Cocktail parties, or-How do I shake hands when I'm holding chicken wings and a beer?

When to show up.

What do you do if there's a cocktail party at 7, followed by dinner at 8? Mitzi Zeller suggests that "If you're a summer clerk or you're new at work, there are definitely people there you want to or should see. You should arrive at the cocktail party on time and look around for the person you most want to sit with at dinner. Make a beeline for that person, introduce yourself, ask where they're sitting, and ask 'Mind if I sit with you?' Go away for the rest of the cocktail hour and then come back to them at dinner. Arrange your dinner partners at the start of the cocktail party, because once you're sitting down at dinner, you're stuck with the people you're sitting with."

Recognize that the point of the function is the people-not the food.

If you're going to a work-oriented cocktail party, you're there for the people. As Mitzi Zeller says, "Don't go hungry to a cocktail party! You don't want to stand at the buffet table stuffing yourself or spend the evening following around the trays of hors d'oeuvres. Apart from anything else, it's always fattening food that's bad for you. Instead, go to the cocktail party full. Eat your burger in the car if you have to. If you don't have time to eat first, go and eat in a corner, do a tooth check to make sure there's no spinach stuck between your front teeth, and then socialize. You can't eat and talk. Especially with those little skewers of food. If you're holding one, and a plate, and a drink, you can't shake hands."

Never pick up buffet food with your hands.

CAREER LIMITING MOVE.

Summer associate at a large firm. The firm has arranged a Friday morning training session, complete with a breakfast buffet. The summer associate goes to the buffet table, picks up some french toast sticks with her fingers-and stands at the buffet table eating them, one after the other, from the serving tray.

When a superior invites you to dinner at their home ...

What if you have dietary restrictions?

Maybe you're a vegetarian or you're allergic to nuts. The socially correct thing to do is to go to the dinner party and eat whatever you can. At a large dinner party that's exactly right. Having said that, when I throw dinner parties I always ask my guests if they have any allergies or dislikes that I should know about. I want them to be happy, and if that means preparing an extra dish, I don't mind that!

If it's an intimate dinner-perhaps just you, your date or spouse, and your hosts-your skipping a course or a dish would be more obvious. What you could do in that situation is to be very gentle about it, and say something like, "Thanks for the invitation. I'm delighted to come. I'm a vegetarian but I'll be happy eating any salad or bread or vegetables that you serve; please don't make special arrangements for me." Of course they will do something special for you but you haven't been rude! Otherwise you could say something like, "I love to cook, myself-but I drive my guests nuts because I'm a vegetarian and I don't cook meat." That way you're letting them know without being demanding.

The thing to avoid in any social setting is shrieking, "Do you realize you're eating dead animals?" Don't skewer people for their choices any more than you'd want to be vilified for yours!

Don't show up empty-handed.

As Mitzi Zeller advises, "If you are invited to your supervisor's house for dinner, bring a gift. A box of Godivas, a bottle of wine, flowers with no strong scent. If you bring wine, remember that the hostess is not obligated to serve what you bring-don't get your nose out of joint!" If they cellar your bottle of white burgundy and pull out the cranberry wine with the screw top, that's the way it goes.

Be on time.

Duh. For a dinner party, don't show up late. Your hosts won't appreciate it, and neither will the souffle.

Before you leave, seek out the hosts and thank them.

If the dinner party is a little larger so that your hosts could be absorbed with other people when you leave, don't slink away into the night. Always say your thank-you's first.

Follow up with a thank-you note.

Thank-you notes make an incredible impression. As Mitzi Zeller says, "They differentiate you." She adds, "Don't e-mail your thank-you's or fax them. Send a personal note." I keep a stack of note cards for just such purposes. You can get any kind-with your initials or some neutral picture. (Mine have Tiffany windows on them. They're beautiful, and always suitable. I get them from Papyrus in New York City.) Keep them handy and use them frequently. People will notice!

SMART ATTORNEY TRICK

Large Florida law firm throws a cocktail party at a law school where it's interviewing. It invites the hundred or so law students it will be interviewing the following day. Of the hundred students who attend the cocktail party, only one of them writes a note afterwards to the managing partner, thanking him for inviting him to the cocktail party. Even though his grades are mediocre, he winds up with a job offer over better students "because he had the decency to write," says the partner. "If you want to stand out from the crowd, do the ten-minute thing that makes you shine!"

SMART ATTORNEY TRICK

Recruiting Coordinator, large New York firm, tells the following story: "We routinely take our summer clerks out to the movies. One summer clerk had guests in from out of town the day of one of our movie 'field trips.' I told him, 'Bring them along.' The summer clerk sent me a thank you, and his guests did the same. It's a little thing that makes a big impression. It creates a happy feeling."

See the following articles for more information: ​​

• How should I act at Law Firm Functions: Part I
• How should I act at Law Firm Functions: Part II