Applying to Law School

Now that you have received your LSAT score, you have to decide which law schools to apply to. The official motto of law schools is: "Turning America into lawyers, one human being at a time." There are many fine law schools to choose from. For instance:

Boalt Hall. Boalt is built on a hill overlooking one of the most spectacular views on earth: the San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. Therefore, the building was designed with lots of huge picture windows. Then, inexplicably, they ROTATED the building ninety degrees so that all its picture windows face directly into the fraternity houses across the street. You can't catch a glimpse of the bay, but you do have a terrific view of fraternity blobs sitting around in their gym shorts, drinking beer, belching, and listening to the music of Metallica at 300 decibels.


The puny little side doors became the front doors, and in order to make the side doors look like front doors, school officials placed quotes by famous Supreme Court justices above the doors-like "Go forth and practice law like blazes." This quote sounds pretty stupid now, but at the time it was considered one of the wisest things a Supreme Court justice had ever said.

Case Western Reserve. A combination law school and game preserve. Cf. Wake Forest.

Chicago. Learn how many Chicago law professors it takes to screw in a light bulb. (Answer: None. The market will take care of it itself.)

Columbia. On the front of the law school building at Columbia, you will notice a huge sculpture of a man who has put a noose around the neck of a horse and is throttling it to death. You will not be able to understand the true significance of this sculpture until several days into your first year at Columbia.

George Mason. Founded by Perry's younger brother, George. George Mason emphasizes law and economics, thus increasing the supply of lawyer economists. Now all they need is a demand curve.

Harvard. Harvard is number one, as you can learn by asking anyone who went to Harvard. Or even if you don't ask. The only disadvantage of going to Harvard is that the graduation robes are the same color as Balls o' Fire Salmon Eggs.

Iowa. The law school is shaped like a circle. This makes perfect sense, since most law professors talk in them anyway. Iowa has a large law library, with a square footage of r (a - sin a)/2.

Louisiana State. Study Louisiana law, ninety-five percent of which deals with how to draw boundary lines in swamp water.

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Michigan. This is a good school, except that when winter is over someone will have to remind you not to stare at that big yellow ball in the sky. If you trip over something as you walk to class in January, it might be the top of a telephone pole sticking out of the snow.

New York University. NYU charges the highest tuition, on the theory-called the Ray-Ban theory-that people will note the price tag and conclude that it must be the best school. Or maybe it's because everything costs a fortune in New York. Just buying a newspaper will exceed the credit limit on your MasterCard.

Northwestern. This school is not located in the Northwest, but in Chicago. However, the founders thought that "Midwestern" sounded kind of hokey. Northwestern should not be confused with Lewis and Clark Northwestern, which really is in the Northwest, or with Northeastern, Southwestern, or Southern. Bring a mariner's compass to keep them straight. Northwestern's goal is that eventually people will refer to Harvard as "the Northwestern of the Northeast."

Pennsylvania. Located in a city founded on the principles of peace, love, tolerance, and parading around in chicken feathers once a year. Lawyers can meet at least one of these requirements.

St. John's, St. Louis, St. Mary's, St. Thomas, San Diego, San Francisco, and Santa Clara. Saintly law schools. Have you ever noticed that few lawyers have been canonized? Many lawyers, however, have been canonized.

Stetson. Mad Hatter School of Law.

Virginia. Widely known in Charlottesville as "the Harvard of Charlottesville."

Wayne State University. For people who want to practice law in the State of Wayne. Located in stately Wayne Manor.

Yale. Forget about Yale. It's so selective that no one ever goes there. Ask yourself this: Do you personally know anyone who is going there now? Of course not. Oh, sure, there are lots of people who say that they went there in the PAST, now that it can't be verified. Don't you be fooled?

Law schools can be divided into three categories:

1. The Top Ten. There are about twenty-five schools in this category. Consult this week's AP and CNN polls.
    
2. The "Middle Group," which includes all other accredited law schools. These schools actually teach the law.
    
3. About 2,000 unaccredited California law schools, like Frank and Morty's School of Law and Cosmetology of the Lower Level of the Seven Hills Shopping Mall. Don't let the classy name fool you. There are basically two requirements for admission:

1. A pulse.
    
2. $12,000.

The first requirement can be waived.

Also, be sure to avoid law schools with "Jr." in the name, like "Leland Stanford Jr. Law School." These are actually junior law schools.

People often ask whether they should attend a law school in the state where they intend to practice. The answer is NO. A good law school's curriculum is not tied to the law of any particular state. This is also true of the "elite" law schools, except that their curriculum is not tied to the law of any particular planet. You should attend one of those schools if you intend to practice law somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.

You will need to submit applications to several law schools, which will cost you fifty bucks a pop. Law schools have you fill out lengthy application forms which require you not only to provide your GPA and your LSAT score, but also to describe your unique abilities and experiences and ways in which you might add to the rich fabric of the law school class. It takes you about eighty hours apiece to fill out these forms. It takes you even more time to write and polish and repolish the "personal statement." Check over your personal statement carefully to make certain that you have used the two key words every law school looks for: "endeavor" and "cognitive." If all else fails, slip in a sentence such as "I have always endeavored to be cognitive in all my cognitive endeavors."

When the law school receives your application, it banks your check, adds up your GPA and your LSAT, and throws the rest of the application away. I mean, if you were one of only two employees in the Admissions Office, would YOU read 6,000 personal statements? Get real! So they just add up the scores and they're out of there by 3:30. Then why do the law schools ask you to provide all that other personal information? Because if you knew that your low scores were the only thing that mattered, you might not apply, and, frankly, they could use the fifty bucks. Multiply fifty bucks times 6,000 applications, and you can begin to see their point.

Anyway, after submitting the applications, you receive several letters saying, "CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are on the 'hold' list for getting on the 'preliminary waiting list' to be considered for admission." They want to make sure that they can fill their class and get the tuition money they need, so they won't reject you until after they see how many students show up on the first day of class. I mean, what does it hurt them if you give up your other career plans and lifelong ambitions, right? Do you want to go to law school or not? Okay then stop whining.

Then, finally, you get accepted. But brace yourself. You don't go through law school; law school goes through you. You will never be the same. Don't say I didn't warn you.