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Lawyers down the Memory Lane

published May 20, 2013

By Author - LawCrossing
Published By
( 2 votes, average: 4.3 out of 5)
What do you think about this article? Rate it using the stars above and let us know what you think in the comments below.
Most people do not appreciate the crucial role that lawyers have played throughout history. Lawyers have been present at nearly every important event since the very beginning. Here are only a few examples:

ADAM AND EVE


EVE: What's this in the mailbox? It's a "Three-day Notice to Quit the Premises." It says we have just three days to leave the Garden of Eden or we'll be forcibly evicted.

ADAM: HOW can that be?

EVE: It claims that we have breached one of the covenants in the lease-something about eating a forbidden fruit.

ADAM: Oh, that. That can't be a material breach, can it?

THE DEVIL, ESQ.: Let me handle this. I can tie this thing up in the courts forever.

ADAM: What's that thundering noise?

NOAH'S ARK

LAWYER: What are you doing?

NOAH: I'm leading these animals into the ark.

LAWYER: I represent an animal rights organization. You can't put those animals in those cramped quarters. You'll have to cut some windows in that boat.

NOAH: I don't know. Windows in an ark don't sound like a very good idea to me.

LAWYER: Get those animals out of there, or I'll get a temporary restraining order. And hurry up. It's starting to rain.

MOSES

MOSES: I command that the water. . .

LAWYER: Hey! Stop that!

MOSES: But I was about to divide the Red Sea, so we can escape from Pharaoh's army.

LAWYER: Not without first filing an Environmental Impact Statement, you don't. Can you imagine what might happen to the aquatic life in the Red Sea if you divide it?

MOSES: Can you imagine what will happen to the human life all around me if I don't?

LAWYER: Wait a minute. You're the same guy who turned the Nile River into blood and caused the frogs, lice, flies, hail, fire, locusts, and darkness. The environmental officials are going to levy some pretty stiff fines on you, pal.

MOSES: Well, we have to be going. You wait here for the chariots. Perhaps you can even catch a ride with them.

CONFUCIUS

CONFUCIUS: He who chops his own wood is warmed twice.

LAWYER: YOU can't say it that way. It's not completely accurate, and you open yourself to liability.

CONFUCIUS: HOW should I say it?

LAWYER: A person who chops wood may experience a temporary rise in body temperature. Be sure to use proper equipment and protective clothing when chopping wood, including a sharp ax, boots, gloves, and protective eyewear. Do not chop any parts of your body, as this can cause severe injuries. Do not chop wood if you are under the influence of alcohol or medication. You should have a physical examination before engaging in strenuous exercise. Burning wood can produce a temporary increase in room temperature. Burn the wood only in an approved fireplace. Do not stand too close to the fire. Do not let children burn wood without adult supervision. Extinguish the fire completely before leaving it unsupervised. This wise saying is presented "as is"-Confucius makes no warranties, expressed or implied, and in no event will be liable for any direct or consequential damages. Some states do not allow a limitation on warranties, so your remedies may vary.

CONFUCIUS: I don't know. I kind of like the simpler version better.

LAWYER: Trust me. Otherwise, how are you ever going to make a name for yourself?

COLUMBUS

COLUMBUS: The world is round, and I intend to sail to India. But I need financing from Your Majesty.

QUEEN ISABELLA: I'm willing to help.

LAWYER: Wait. If you're going to raise financing, you have to file a prospectus with the SEC. It must describe the background and expertise of every sailor in your crew, detail the nature of all your physical equipment and other assets, provide audited income statements and balance sheets for each of the last three fiscal years, and disclose all the risks of the voyage.

COLUMBUS: I don't have the money to do all that. That's why I'm here.

LAWYER: Your Majesty, this is obviously an undercapitalized business venture. I cannot recommend an investment of any kind in it.

QUEEN ISABELLA: Lock the lawyer in the hold of the Santa Maria, and don't let him out until you reach land. Then leave him there.

SHAKESPEARE

LAWYER: Are you William Shakespeare?

SHAKESPEARE: TO be or not to be. Is that the question?

LAWYER: Here is a court order closing the Globe Theatre.

SHAKESPEARE: This is the unkindest cut of all. Why is this happening?

LAWYER: The plots in some of your plays aren't original. The copyright owners are shutting you down. Also, you are guilty of urging people to kill all the lawyers. That's inciting a riot.

SHAKESPEARE: Alas, our fate lies not in ourselves but in our lawyers.

LAWYER: Cut out the theatrics. You've presented your last play, Bill. Someday the world will thank me.

THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION

PATRICK HENRY: AS for me, give me liberty, or give me death!

LAWYER: Well, we may not like the king's decrees, but they are the law.

PATRICK HENRY: Of course you defend them; you love having lots of unjust laws to enforce and litigate over.

LAWYER: It's a living. Besides, I get to wear these nifty powdered wigs.

THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE

PRESIDENT JEFFERSON: I'll just sign my name here, and the Louisiana Purchase will be complete.

LAWYER: I advise against it. First we should do a title search.

PRESIDENT JEFFERSON: How long will that take?

LAWYER: It's a pretty big piece of property--I'd say about 250 years.

PRESIDENT JEFFERSON: Like I said, I'll just sign my name here . . .

LAWYER: It's irresponsible. You're not even buying title insurance.

PRESIDENT JEFFERSON: You know, I've always wondered whether a quill pen is strong enough to pierce a human skull.

KITTY HAWK

ORVILLE: Wilbur, we're almost ready to take off. Hold the wing steady.

LAWYER: Excuse me, Mr. Wright. Have you thought about the documents you should prepare before you begin the age of flight?

ORVILLE: What documents?

LAWYER: Patents, articles of incorporation, licenses with appropriate federal and state agencies, flight plans, safety inspection reports, insurance forms, applications for air routes, labor contracts, non-competition agreements, income tax forms. These are just a few.

ORVILLE: I just want to see if the thing will fly. And if you don't stop yammering at me, I'll never get it off the ground.

LAWYER: I can't help it. I get paid by the yammer.

WATERGATE

Wait a minute. Most of the defendants in Watergate were lawyers. It's too tragic to be funny.

AND FINALLY, THE FUTURE: THE FINAL JUDGMENT

LAWYER: I tried to strike a plea bargain to get you into heaven, but it didn't work. Your rap sheet is too long. It leaves nothing out.

CLIENT: Didn't I do anything good in my life?

LAWYER: Well, you did give $3.75 to an orphanage once. And I pointed that out.

CLIENT: SO what's the best you could do for me?

LAWYER: They said they would be willing to refund your $3.75 and tell you to go to hell. But it's not so bad. I only got $2.42.

published May 20, 2013

By Author - LawCrossing
( 2 votes, average: 4.3 out of 5)
What do you think about this article? Rate it using the stars above and let us know what you think in the comments below.