How to Sell a Senate Seat

Now, the first thing you'll need are some political ambitions of your own. You'll have to win an election to become the governor of your state. Now you need this crucial step in the process because there are many states which permit the governor to, in times of extraordinary circumstances, fill a vacated senate seat. What if one of your state's senators wins the presidency, or receives a presidential cabinet appointment? The senator's seat will become vacated—and that's the perfect opportunity for you to do the right thing, and do what must be done, and fill that senatorial seat until the next regular congressional election.

So, obviously, you will have to have some luck on your side. You'll have to become governor in a state that permits that describe above, and then you need a senator to get out of your way and give you that seat. But success, as Ben Franklin said, is when preparedness meets opportunity. And as Jefferson said, "I am great believer in good luck—the harder I work, the more of it I have." You have to work your way into the governor's position in a "good" state, so never forget that!


Now, when you see that that senator's seat is going to become vacated, you have to act decisively. Now you must start talking to people who you know are planning to run for senatorial election. This shouldn't be too difficult, since these days just about everyone in the government already has a political position before getting that far. Now, it's very important to your success that you never use your cell phone, home phone, or your government office to speak to these people. You can use your telephones and even e-mail to make initial contact, but you should only use these devices to set up an in-person meeting, such as over lunch. When you are at the meeting, be careful with how you broach the subject of selling the senate seat. Say things such as, "What would you be willing to do, short of murder, to win the seat in the senate?" The interested party might say that he would make contributions to other political campaigns in exchange for support, or he would entertain certain business lobbyists in exchange for their support. But you, needless to say, guide the conversation in a...different direction.

Most important through all this is that you always find a way to point the finger at someone else. You have to use sleight of hand like a master magician, getting people and, especially, any government investigators to look in another direction while you go about your underhanded business. Manipulate the media like a fine orchestra conductor. Tell lies with a calm demeanor and a straight face, feigning a slight amount of indignation that you would even be suspected of anything illegal or nefarious; be sure that you have your lies memorized so that as you tell them over and over and over again, they become ever more believable. Remember, if you tell a lie over and over again often enough, the masses of people will believe it. "Wasn't me" should become your tag line.

But your real effort is to avoid being accused or even suspected if you possibly can. It will help you to get elected as a democratic governor in this regard. You can invoke the "vast right wing conspiracy" if you even get questioned about what somebody else heard somebody else say about you, and the mainstream media will lap that up, in their lust to accuse republicans of doing every wrong thing that democrats do routinely. The democrats have professional political sales machinery in place that republicans can't even fantasize about, so even if you really vote for the GOP don't run on their ticket. Switch political party's midstream if you need to, and say that it's all because you don't like the direction in which the GOP is headed and you know that people desire to pay more and bigger taxes.

No matter what, stay off the telephones, look the other way for your double-dealing lobbyists, take a break from taxing the people, and tell everyone at every opportunity how clean you are. Selling your senate seat is hard work!