This is going to be difficult for you, but two weeks ago — back when the world was young and you were bursting with optimism — I wrote a column about the possible career choices for people willing to throw off the shackles of their corporate masters and strike off on their own. Remember?
Well, for all of you who are still on the corporate chain gang, still breaking up big bureaucratic boulders into itsy-bitsy bits of organizational rubble, here's another chance to make a prison break.
It's true! Just because you don't have the inclination or the nerve to step up in life and start a business shampooing poodles in your family room, it doesn't mean you're condemned to staying at your same rotten job until you become a complete mental melt down. Turning to the same source - The Wall Street Journal - where I found the be-your-own-worst-boss business opportunities, I also found an intoxicating panoply of "career opportunity" want ads.
You'd still be working for someone who isn't you, but theoretically, you'd be paid more for doing work that you enjoy more, and therefore you'd be a lot less likely to spend your afternoons in the employee lounge, weeping into the ficus plant.
One career opportunity that caught my eye immediately was a listing for "financial analysts" with the PBGC. If you work for any airline, steel mill or automobile company, you know the PBGC - or as it's known to its friends, the Pension Benefit Guarantee Corporation.
The PBGC insures the billion-dollar pensions plans that are now going broke, hurling lifelong workers into a surprisingly different retirement scenario than they ever expected, unless they expected to be living in refrigerator boxes and eating Fancy Feast.
Fortunately, if you can fill the financial analyst job description, you'll be able to afford gourmet Eukanuba for your retirement cuisine since the job pays $43,365 to $114,482, plus a performance bonus, a recruitment bonus and relocation expenses. (There is also an excellent retirement plan, assuming the PBGC doesn't decide that the PBGC's pension plan should go belly up.)
While it would be tons of fun to spend your days telling 65-year-old workers that their pensions have gone with the wind, you might prefer a more glamorous position, like being the "internal auditor" for GUESS? jeans. According to the ad, GUESS? is "one of the fashion industries more prestigious and innovative organizations" and "an ideal environment for motivated, quality focused professionals eager for success."
Heaven knows you are motivated and quality focused, especially after your morning nap and I think you should fire off a resume right after your afternoon nap. Be aware that the job may be difficult, involving long hours checking the fit of the free jeans the company provides to hot-body celebrities like Jessica Simpson and Colin Farrell. (And when you finish those long hours in the fitting room, do me a favor and find out why there's a question mark at the end of GUESS?)
If handling emergency calls from top models who need help getting in and out of their jeans doesn't work for you, or your significant other, I commend you "fax your resume in confidence" for a position as "oil analyst" for a "multi-billion dollar international investment fund."
According to the ad, the oil analyst reports to the "senior oil analyst" which seems fair enough, though I'm sure you'll quickly be able to topple the top guy with your acute analytical powers. Dig it: you spend the first six months on the job reading reports and "analyzing" (also known as "goofing off") and then you make your first report. "Gee, oil looks pretty darn expensive," you say. "I paid over $3 a gallon to fill up my Jaguar."
The other jobs, I have to admit, sound a little dull. Teledyne needs a controller. (Note to Teledyne employees: get out fast. Your company is out of control.) The Export-Import Bank of the United States needs a vice president in their asset management division. You get to manage $60 billion in assets, and based on the way most financial institutions perform, if you can manage to hold on to any portion of that $60 billion, I'd say you're really doing a bang-up job.
If none of these career opportunities work out you can always go back to doing what you do best, which will come in handy if there's ever a job listing for "extremely lazy, unmotivated complainer."
Hey, wait a minute! That's my job!
Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com.
I got a bunch of interviews through LawCrossing. It is truly a wonderful site and I enjoyed using it for my job hunt. David
Facts
LawCrossing Fact #166: Your career is a product, so why not search the best job site to place it where it needs to be?
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